A Self-Inflicted Judgement
by Meepski
Summary: Sometimes, emotional pain can be far more crippling than any physical sensation. (Spoilers for entire series)


A/N: Guess whose outdone herself yet _again _in her constant contest of out-angsting herself? I gotta say though, this is the longest thing I've written in like, five months so I'm kinda proud of that in a sense. But my fingers feel like they're gonna just sorta fall off if I type any more, since this was pretty much the result of a single evening spent doing nothing but writing. I'm kinda miffed at the ending, but I really can't think of anything better. Really this whole thing is a mess. But whatever. Will I ever write anything not Vanguard Related? Or, for that matter will I ever write anything that isn't Kai-centric? Who knows, really. I blame Kai for being such an interesting, dynamic character.

I didn't get the idea for this fic on my own, actually - this entire thing is the result of an imeeji post from Vanessa at the Tumblr animeluvruniverse. You can find it here if you go to her blog and copy-paste /post/86624833698/imeeji after the url. That was one of the first things I saw when I went on Tumblr today, and the idea wouldn't leave me until I finally caved and messaged her asking if I could write something based on it earlier this evening and I got the go-ahead. So, shoutout to animeluveruniverse. Go follow. Yeah.

Warnings for implied parent death, language, and general mind-screw.

Pairings are a riddle wrapped in a mystery wrapped in an enigma. Again, it's kinda fair game to interpret it however you like.

And, yet again, Bushiroad owns Cardfight! Vanguard, I'm just a kid with way too much free time.

* * *

"…I'm sorry it had to be this way."

Kai felt multiple emotions run through him at once at once when he heard Aichi speak those words in a flat, uncaring monotone, as he commanded his units to deal the killing blow. He felt anger, not only at the circumstances that had led him to where he is now, but at himself for failing now after coming so close to saving his friend. _His mate. _He felt grief, as though he was losing Aichi all over again. The most overwhelming feeling of all, though, was the horrible anxiety that made his entire body feel cold and weak, and made his breath come in short pants as his pulse resonated in his eardrums. He grit his teeth, his hands curling into tight fists that made his fingernails dig into the palm of his hands. It was all he could do to not scream in frustration.

"Are you going to guard?"

Aichi's voice again. It was almost disturbing to hear him speak, the way he was right now. It almost seemed like he had been robbed of all emotion. He looked exhausted, and his eyes were dull and completely devoid of life. Kai had no idea what could have possibly happened to Aichi to make him this way, but he would never forgive whoever – or _what_ever – had done this to him. And yet, in Kai's delirious state, he could swear Aichi was taunting him. He couldn't guard. If he could have he would have already, but his hand had dwindled down to nothing more than two Grade 3 cards from the attacks before. He took a deep breath, and exhaled slowly.

"…No guard." It almost felt physically painful to say those two damned words, and the sound of the sixth card hitting the damage zone made him flinch. He couldn't move; the only thing he could do was stare forward at Aichi, whose blank expression was completely unchanged.

"Now, as the creator of this space, it is my duty to place judgment on you and your actions."

Kai's heart felt as though it had stopped at that sentence. In everything that had happened, he had completely forgotten about Judgment. It only made sense for Aichi to have that ability, as he was able to create one of these closed spaces, just like Gaillard and the rest of the Quatre Knights. Before he could say anything, the cards in both his and Aichi's damage zones began to glow a pure white. Soon after, the black void they were both standing in began to glow similarly, and the light soon grew blinding. Yet somehow, Aichi remained completely unaffected, standing perfectly still as he watched Kai try to block out the painfully bright light with his forearm.

"Goodbye, Kai."

"N-No, Aichi, _wait, __**PLEASE- **_"

He wasn't even able to finish his sentence before his vision whited out completely.

* * *

When Kai's consciousness came back, he wasn't back in the dark, empty room where they had found Aichi. He was in a disgustingly bright room, with beige walls and a tile floor. Fold-out chairs were lined in neat rows, around half of them occupied with relatives that he hadn't seen or even thought about in years. Some of them were weeping. He looked forward, and felt a sharp stab of pain in his chest as the display in front of him made him realize just where he was. There, surrounded by flowers, were two pictures of his parents, each of them smiling that pleasant smile that he had come to associate with what little he could remember of his early childhood. He had long since coped with his parents' absence, but being here again made the pain seem all-too fresh. He looked down at himself, only to see that he was wearing the same suit he had worn to the ceremony, but aside from that his physical appearance had not seemed to change at all. He was still the same age. He looked around, frantically trying to find some sort of exit or clue as to why he had appeared hear of all places, because he didn't remember falling asleep and even if he had, he _never _dreamed about this part of his past. In fact, he had forgotten most of it, whether it be due to the passage of time or some sort of coping mechanism. Just as panic started to set in, a familiar hand gently was placed on his shoulder. He looked over, and saw his uncle.

"Toshiki, I'm your father's brother. My wife and I will be taking care of 'ya from now on, okay? I know we could never be a replacement for your mom 'an dad, but…" he trailed off, with a sigh.

Kai's confusion worsened. Those were the exact words that he had said to him that day. He stepped away from the man, trying to ignore the weakness in his legs from anxiety.

"Wait, I'm-" He paused and took a deep breath to quell the shakiness of his voice, whether it was from nerves or the sadness that was suddenly growing with every passing second, he wasn't sure. "I-I shouldn't be here, just now I was…" he trailed off. _What had he been doing? _That morning, he had woken up, and his family had driven him to the funeral, and…

_Was this real?_

He must have said that out loud without realizing it, because all of a sudden he felt himself be pulled into a tight embrace by his uncle, who was muttering quiet, broken apologies. All Kai could do was stand there, frozen, as he slowly came to the realization that this _was _real. He had just lost his parents. He couldn't stop himself from giving in and burying his face in the man's shoulder as the grief became unbearable, and he found himself biting back sobs as his uncle rubbed his back as though he were comforting a small child. There was still some part of his subconscious screaming at him to stop, that this wasn't real, but he ignored it.

And, just as he felt the last of his emotional defenses start to crumble, everything faded into a bright light.

* * *

All of a sudden, the person that he was holding onto was not his uncle, but Ren. Kai struggled to get a grip on his emotions, having been seconds away from breaking down just moments before, but he managed to repair his composure after a few seconds. His thoughts stalled for a brief moment, because for some reason he seemed younger than Kai remembered, but he quickly dismissed the thought. He wasn't clinging to him the way he had been clinging to…_someone_ before, but instead was supporting his weight as the young boy fell backward. There was something horribly, _horribly _wrong with Ren, he remembered. He had challenged him to a cardfight here at the new headquarters for Team Foo Fighter, hoping that he would snap out of it, but…he had failed. He had failed Ren, and lost him to that horrible power.

"Kai…I got stronger, didn't I?"

Kai winced. Ren's voice was weak, and he was obviously barely holding onto his consciousness. This was all Kai's fault. If he had only been stronger, then maybe he could have stopped this from happening. There was nothing else he could do. He had no right to be near Ren, not now of all times. He propped Ren against the table they had used during their fight, and left the rooftop.

He saw Tetsu standing near the headquarters' entrance. Not sparing him a passing glance, he walked past him towards the sidewalk.

"You're leaving."

Kai cursed inwardly. He was hoping that Tetsu would ignore him. "And you're staying."

"I can't desert Ren." Kai couldn't see Tetsu's face, but there was an accusatory edge to his words. _Desert. _Was that what he was doing to Ren? To Tetsu?

"I see…" That was all he trusted himself to say without lashing out in frustration. Tetsu didn't deserve that; especially since all of Kai's anger was directed towards himself exclusively. As they went their separate ways, without giving so much as a glance behind at each other, Kai couldn't stop that inexplicable sadness he felt before from returning. By cutting both Ren and Tetsu out of his life, he felt like he had just lost two of the most important people in his life all over again, and permanently for all he knew. Despite that, however, he kept walking forward, with only a single thought driving him. He had to get stronger. Just as much for his own sake as Ren's.

After all, without strength, what use was he?

And with that thought, yet again, his vision whited out.

* * *

Suddenly, Kai heard screams behind him. _Aichi's screams. _Wait, who was Aichi again? He was…his friend. He was the one that saved Ren, and then humanity itself. He was one of the most important people in the world. At least, he was to Kai. So…

_Why had he Reversed him?_

His heart pounded in his throat as he tried to remember the sequence of events that had led up to this. He remembered what Void, and Link Joker were, and how both of these things were being spread from victim to victim. And, he remembered that he had obtained its power. He had finally obtained the power he needed in order to catch up to, to surpass both Aichi and Ren. Why, then, did he feel so terrible? This was what he had been striving for, but he felt disgusted. In his struggle for power, he had stopped seeing Aichi, Ren, and all of his other friends as people. Instead, he had begun to see them as goals, mere objects that he would need to pass by in order to prove his worth as a human being. There was no way he could be around any of them now, not ever again. None of them, not Miwa, or Ren, or Aichi, should be around some_thing _like him. Yet, he still craved more – more power, more honor. More from _them. _Wasn't that a joke?

He decided, right there, that after his role as Takuto's and Void's slave and his own quest for strength were over, he would leave all of them behind. It was better that way, for both them and Kai…wasn't it?

But, once again, everything was consumed by a bright light.

* * *

The next thing Kai knew, instead of standing beside the Tatsunagi building, he was standing right in front of its entrance. He was with Aichi at arm's length next to him, and everyone else was there a slight ways away from the two of them. _Waiting for them_. He looked over at Aichi, who simply smiled that wonderfully bright smile of his. Kai couldn't help but smile too; he was so happy he felt like his heart would burst. Aichi held Kai's arm by his wrist, and ran towards the others with him in tow. Kai couldn't help but marvel at the boy he had watched grow and mature for so long. When they had met as children all those years ago, Kai was the one to act as Aichi's light of hope. Now, here they were, and now Aichi was the one to guide him into the light.

But, then his surroundings went dark.

Aichi fell on the ground in front of him, like a limp doll. Kai quickly knelt by his side, pressing his ear against his chest and breathing a sigh of relief when he heard his heartbeat and slow breathing. He lifted his head up, and all of a sudden Aichi was wearing a long, formal coat instead of the turtleneck sweater and jacket he had been wearing before. Kai felt his heartbeat quicken, as he realized something was very wrong.

"Aichi…?" he called hesitantly. There was no response. He tried calling his name again, and again, each time louder than the last until he was screaming at Aichi to just _wake up_, but even after several minutes had passed he never did.

"D-Dammit, Aichi, stop screwing around…" His voice was barely more than a whimper, and he felt tears start to prick at the corners of his eyes. He buried his face in the fabric of Aichi's coat, gripping the fabric with both of his hands. "_WAKE UP!" _he demanded yet again, his voice muffled.

Right then, Kai woke up lying on his side on the cold marble floor of the Quatre Knights' base.

* * *

"C'mon Kai, get it together already!"  
Miwa's panic-filled voice was the first thing Kai registered upon waking up. He shot up from where he was lying, his entire body shaking from what he had just been through. He couldn't form a single coherent thought as he tried to process it all, completely oblivious to his surroundings. Not only was Miwa there, but Ren, Misaki, Naoki, Shingo, and Kamui were there watching a small distance away. Even Aichi was there, his cold eyes fixed on Kai and Kai alone.

Miwa roughly grabbed Kai by the shoulders, shaking him a bit. "Say something, will 'ya?! You're freaking me and everyone else out here!"

The physical stimulus broke Kai's stupor, and his eyes widened with horror as everything that he had just witnessed hit him all at once. All of the sadness, and the anger, and the hopelessness…

Ever since his parents died, no matter what happened to him, he refused to break or give in to his emotions. But, having every loss and every failure thrown back at him at once like this was _breaking him._ His face crumpled and he leaned forward, resting his forehead on Miwa's shoulder as loud, broken sobs began to escape him that he didn't even bother to hide. Miwa stiffened, caught off-guard by Kai's extremely uncharacteristic behavior, but after a moment he pulled him into a hug. He wanted to say something; he wanted to ask Kai what happened to him, but he had been rendered completely speechless. The sounds of Kai's sobs and hysteric, half-wailed apologies were the only sounds that echoed in the room, until Ren spoke up.

"You…What did you do to him?" he asked Aichi, both horror and barely-contained rage obvious in his words.

"I'm sure you know about our Judgment already," came Aichi's cold reply. "Whoever loses a battle in my prison faces a similar fate. Only, in this instance, the pain I inflict is emotional."

"You didn't…" Miwa started, but trailed off when he felt Kai tighten his grip on Miwa's jacket. "Hey, easy, easy…" he mumbled, running a hand through Kai's hair in an attempt to calm him down.

"Kai has just relived every loss and regret he has faced in his life. I did nothing but force his mind to focus on these memories and emotions." Aichi turned and began to walk down the corridor, away from the group.

"Would it not be more fitting to consider my Judgment a self-inflicted one?"


End file.
